When I sat down to write a review of the Patriots divisional round win over the Titans I came to a crossroad. While the win was impressive, at this point, the Patriots stomping an AFC South opponent in the playoffs really isn’t that newsworthy (see Andy explain here). As I scoured my usual internet hotspots for material, one thing became fairly apparent. There were some seriously salty, butthurt NFL fans out there.
Now, I get it. I will admit that Patriots fans can be insufferable. The braggadocious attitude. The holier than thou patronizing. The constant scoreboard pointing. The blind allegiance that borders on fanatical religiousness. But as sir Isaac Newton once said “for every over-the-top patriots fan you also have an equal and opposite insufferable Patriots hater.” They blame the refs, they call the Patriots cheaters, they suggest league conspiracies, they do anything but credit the Patriots for on-field dominance. Every Patriots fan knows at least one.
What you may not know though is that not all Patriots haters are born equal. It is a sliding scale. As Bill Nye described it, being a Patriots hater isn’t merely binary, it is a spectrum. So, being the resident NFL scientist, I decided to make my case study for the classification of Patriot haters I observed in the wild this week.
PERSONAL ACQUAINTANCES - SALTINESS CLASS “C”
Our first classification is the Patriots fan’s personal acquaintances. They are a harmless breed that derive much of their saltiness from trying to get a rise out of a Patriots fan. They typically support another NFL franchise with less success which skews their opinions with jealous undertones. A Patriots fan may fall into this category when discussing other major sports including, but not limited to, the 1990s Yankees and/or LeBron James.
They may be your brother in law:
They may be your co-worker:
“The Patriots get the Titans and the Jaguars, whatta joke”
-Steve (the guy that sits behind me at work)
Or they may be a kid from high school you are FB friends with:
THE PROFESSIONALS - SALTINESS CLASS “B”
The second category is for players (current and former), opposing coaches and national media pundits. A certain amount of license is afforded to this classification as they are typically paid to discuss the games and/or it is their obligation to comment on results. However, a fair share of this class are also known for being butthurt little crybabies.
Many opposing coaches have been prompted with tough questions after losses at the hands of Brady and company. Some handle it with maturity and reflect on how they can improve and some handle it like Mike:
Decker was called for offensive pass interference, forcing the Titans back 10 yards from the prior spot and, after a failed third-and-14 play, ending the drive. Six plays later, New England took the lead for good.
“That one, I won’t even talk about,” coach Mike Mularkey told reporters after the game when asked about the call. “That one goes down in history.”
By the same token some media members attempt to write fair and balanced analysis without sensationalizing results and some write pieces of shit like Dan.
INTERNET COMMENTERS - SALTINESS CLASS “A”
The wildest of beasts fall within the classification of internet commenters. Nowhere in our natural world do such saturated levels of salt occur. Their aggressiveness of opinions are matched only by their tenuous grasp of the English language. Nothing is off limits for saltiness by the online commenter; the referees, the schedule, league wide conspiracies, the weather, or the luck of the fucking Irish.
The ProFootballTalk.com comment section is widely agreed upon to be the natural habitat of the mouth breathing NFL fan. In fact, internet personality “PFT Commenter” established a career out of satirizing such animals. With users left with the condition of anonymity, this forum truly is a breeding ground for complaints more often heard coming from a five year old child than a grown adult. Below, you will see several case studies reacting to the Patriots most recent victory.
The internet commenter fcoprado represents the prototypical commenter seen most frequently in the PFT comment section. The spelling and grammar mistakes are a hallmark of this classification. The lack of any true insight in the comment always begs the same question; why did this dude even bother to create a username?
Here we see another internet commenter Moudabo citing a famous Beatles lyric as the theme for his rear-end-chapping take on the Patriots game. This is one of the more impressive inbreds as he manages to consolidate no less than six conspiracy theories into a succinct three sentence diatribe.
Building on such conspiracies, internet commenter randomcommenter here implies bias NFL scheduling to give Tom Brady a competitive advantage; an opinion clearly void of any and all logic.
Last but not least, we have the rarest breed in this classification. Typically the politics commenter has been found only in FB discussions or 4chan forums but the Patriots victory has inspired exinsidetrader to venture into foreign comment sections. Some scientists contend that should Colin Kaepernick lead the Patriots to success, extreme levels of saltiness may be recorded that has never been seen before in mankind’s history.
BLOGGERS - SALTINESS CLASS “A+++”
There really is nothing worse than a blogger who thinks his/her opinion matters. Bunch of millennial blow hards if you ask me.
Written by Greg Brown
1 December 2017
Written by Greg Brown
30 January 2018
Written by Greg Brown
15 December 2017